“The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image. Otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them.”
~Thomas Merton~
When I was much younger I believed I could mold those I said I loved into reflections of me. I was looking outward to others for reflections of who I wanted to be. This did not work. Others cannot perfectly intuit me nor can they serve as mirrors of what I hope my image is. It was a long, slow journey to becoming my mirror into me.
I married a man who refused to carry that mirror of me. He loved me unconditionally but would not allow me to make him that mirror. He intuitively knew that if this happened it could damage our relationship. He did not need me to reflect him because he knew that he was complete within himself. He loved me for me, not for how he mirrored me, but for who I am.
This was my first true experience with total and complete unconditional love. I knew that my parents loved me, but it was difficult for them to always accept me, especially as I matured and formed thoughts and ideas that did not fit in with their beliefs. They never rejected me for being me, but they did try to change me into what they thought I should be. That did not work either.
Growing up I learned that to preserve my self identity I had to rebel. If I didn't do this I feared I would be suffocated by my family's beliefs. I drew lines and stood my ground when confronted or challenged. It worked as an adolescent but as I entered my adult years my rebellion, like any good childhood defense system, became my prison. Loving and marrying a man who accepted me as me was the opening for me to know and love myself.
Until I unconditionally loved myself I could not offer that love to others. I was looking for reflections of me through others reflections. I was a good person but did not know how to love myself as I am. I believed there was something more I needed to do to be loved. It was a total shock to realize that I deserved unconditional love just as I am.
I spent forty years being a therapist and I found that the single biggest problem the majority of people faced was realizing that they deserved unconditional love from those who said they loved them. Unfortunately that did not happen often and therapy became a way that these folks could begin to learn to love themselves unconditionally. When this begins to happen, loving self without condition, relationships begin to change because we begin to change. Not everyone that you love can, or will, love you unconditionally, but when you give yourself unconditional love the quality of your expectations of relationships begin to change and this directly impacts how others respond to you.
The path to this state of being takes time. I grew up knowing my parents loved me but they wanted to change me into their image not mine. The journey to self love is often precarious, but if you will begin this journey you will find that the effort is worth the price.
So often we try to twist ourselves into all types of contortions to get the other to love us. What Roger so graciously taught me was that love is for who I am as I am; it is not for an image or an illusion I try to project to capture someone's admiration. In the end this is a much easier, more fulfilling, and honest way to approach life.
To love another for whom they are and not for how they reflect us frees us to be completely in the moment with each other. We begin to learn to not twist others to fit the image we want them to fill, and we also begin to realize that we do not have to fill their image of us. We allow others to be who they are and can be in relationship with others as we are. Others are allowed to be perfectly themselves and we allow ourselves to be perfectly us.
This takes time and effort and requires we soften our hearts toward ourselves. When we do this we begin to soften toward each other, and this makes the difference. When we try to twist the other into the images we want them to be we will not accept them as they are and will always be disappointed in the results.
The beginning of love is when we allow others and ourselves to be perfectly who we are.
I married a man who refused to carry that mirror of me. He loved me unconditionally but would not allow me to make him that mirror. He intuitively knew that if this happened it could damage our relationship. He did not need me to reflect him because he knew that he was complete within himself. He loved me for me, not for how he mirrored me, but for who I am.
This was my first true experience with total and complete unconditional love. I knew that my parents loved me, but it was difficult for them to always accept me, especially as I matured and formed thoughts and ideas that did not fit in with their beliefs. They never rejected me for being me, but they did try to change me into what they thought I should be. That did not work either.
Growing up I learned that to preserve my self identity I had to rebel. If I didn't do this I feared I would be suffocated by my family's beliefs. I drew lines and stood my ground when confronted or challenged. It worked as an adolescent but as I entered my adult years my rebellion, like any good childhood defense system, became my prison. Loving and marrying a man who accepted me as me was the opening for me to know and love myself.
Until I unconditionally loved myself I could not offer that love to others. I was looking for reflections of me through others reflections. I was a good person but did not know how to love myself as I am. I believed there was something more I needed to do to be loved. It was a total shock to realize that I deserved unconditional love just as I am.
I spent forty years being a therapist and I found that the single biggest problem the majority of people faced was realizing that they deserved unconditional love from those who said they loved them. Unfortunately that did not happen often and therapy became a way that these folks could begin to learn to love themselves unconditionally. When this begins to happen, loving self without condition, relationships begin to change because we begin to change. Not everyone that you love can, or will, love you unconditionally, but when you give yourself unconditional love the quality of your expectations of relationships begin to change and this directly impacts how others respond to you.
The path to this state of being takes time. I grew up knowing my parents loved me but they wanted to change me into their image not mine. The journey to self love is often precarious, but if you will begin this journey you will find that the effort is worth the price.
So often we try to twist ourselves into all types of contortions to get the other to love us. What Roger so graciously taught me was that love is for who I am as I am; it is not for an image or an illusion I try to project to capture someone's admiration. In the end this is a much easier, more fulfilling, and honest way to approach life.
To love another for whom they are and not for how they reflect us frees us to be completely in the moment with each other. We begin to learn to not twist others to fit the image we want them to fill, and we also begin to realize that we do not have to fill their image of us. We allow others to be who they are and can be in relationship with others as we are. Others are allowed to be perfectly themselves and we allow ourselves to be perfectly us.
This takes time and effort and requires we soften our hearts toward ourselves. When we do this we begin to soften toward each other, and this makes the difference. When we try to twist the other into the images we want them to be we will not accept them as they are and will always be disappointed in the results.
The beginning of love is when we allow others and ourselves to be perfectly who we are.
"If you are willing to live in your own skin, you can work as an actor. If you are trying to pretend that you’re still the young buck when you’re my age, it just doesn’t work."
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