Off The Grid - Creating Balance

Time to take a break and go off the grid for awhile.  It's time to pause, think, reassess, and perhaps recommit to my goals.  Off the grid means to me that I will spend less time on social media and more time in face to face interactions.  Less time reading about others lives and more time interacting with people.  

October is my favorite month.  The time when color explodes all around; the month I was born, and the month Roger and I married.  So this October I am going off the grid; not to become less involved with others, but to engage in a deeper, more meaningful conversation about life.

October heralds November when the brilliant colors fade as we begin the descent into winter's friendship. Through this blog I can share my thoughts with anyone who will read it.  Through Facebook, Twitter, and other such sites I am in touch with others thoughts, ideas, and creativity, and others can share this with me.  But it is time for more.....

Perhaps my venturing into "Through The Looking Glass And Down The Rabbit Hole" (post on 9/21) brought up the awareness of what I have been through and the need to stop, look, and assimilate my life's experience.  Maybe celebrating my 68th birthday in October adds to the my needing to take a sabbatical.  Whatever the reason it feels to be the correct time to do so.

To stop and watch the backyard begin to fill with leaves; to absorb the dying sun's warmth; to smell the advent of autumn; to hear the finale sounds of summer.  It is a good time to be off the grid and into life.  I have often paused in autumn to stop and listen.  In past years this has been for a day, a long weekend, or a vacation to slow down.  I use to measure time in seconds, minutes, hours, and days; I now measure it by the seasons, the sun's position as it travels across the sky, and how I respond to each season.  The Rumi tree in my backyard marks the passage of time.  From the newly budding branches, to the full green leaves, to the majesty of brilliant colors, and to  the stark beauty of bare branches on a cold day, time continues on in its unending cycle.

Going off the grid allows time to be a gentler, kinder presence in life.  I follow a blog where the writer has been off the grid for over 260 days as he learns the music of nature.  He is off the grid as he records images and sounds that teach him this exquisite language.  It takes courage to go off and to stay off the grid for so long; only posting every few days that he is still off the grid exploring this music and the number of days he has been there.   

I call my blog TEA AND OTHER RITUALS.  It began in May and was named to honor my winter Facebook posts of my morning ritual of tea.  I love the practice of this blog and will probably continue to post as a way of staying honest with me.  The practice of writing keeps me open; publishing my words keeps me honest; being honest keeps me humble.  All-in-all a good practice.

Perhaps, like stories from indigenous cultures, there is no beginning or end to this story because one blends into the other.  Being off the grid makes it easier to experience this circle of continuation, and to realize it is not the artificially imposed beginning and ending but it is the beauty of each moment seamlessly blending into the next.  When there is no starting point there is no ending place, only the flow of each moment.  The grid needs starting and stopping points.  Perhaps the person who is off the grid to learn the music of nature has understood that grid music is human made.  The notes, timing, key,  adagios, and fugues are created by human minds, but the music of nature is an organic way of hearing that will only be found off the grid. 

Like the impact of wolves being introduced back into Yellowstone National Park in 1995 has revitalized the ecosystem there, my going off the grid serves as a reminder that I must  keep me in balance with nature.  The grid is not an ecological system; it is human manufactured for our convenience, not for our good, but for our convenience.  Human interference seems to most always upset the balance of all things.  Our convenience is a term to be wary of as it often means causing imbalance in our ecosystems.   

Taking time, stepping off the grid, stopping to look and listen is the best way to restore my balance, and then to re-examine goals for myself.  I become more discerning of who and what I want to place my attention on.  It is a product of the grid to choose convenience rather than living in balance with nature and leaving only the slightest footprint of my being here.

Ideas and thoughts to consider; being off the grid allows me time to do this. So day after tomorrow I begin.  I'll keep you updated.  Perhaps another blog entitled "off the grid" will happen.....but whatever, I'll see you somewhere in October or beyond.....    

       

The True Teacher

“You cannot transmit wisdom or insight to someone else – the seed is already there. A good teacher is someone who touches that seed so it can wake up, sprout and grow.” Thich Nhat Hanh

When you meet The True Teacher it is a rare and exquisite gift.  You will know in your meeting of this person that you have been touched by wisdom.  Like the dandelion in this picture this teacher gives of her/his wisdom like the seeds of the dandelion's flower so they might be scattered were ever the wind blows.  This teacher has no desire to hold on to wisdom nor to claim the teachings for him/herself.  This teacher touches the beginnings of wisdom in each of us, and encourages us to wake up, sprout, and grow.

These teachers' lives are their classrooms.  Each day and moment they share wisdom that enlightens all of our lives.  A very few of these special teachers who touch and enhance my life are The Dali Lama, Pema Chodron, and Thich Nhat Hanh. But so many others have served as these true teachers who are unknown and not recognized.

For me there was Sara, my great grandmother; John, my professor in New Orleans, Dharmakeerti, my friend and teacher from India, and a host of others who pass through my life sharing their wisdom and then move on.  Whether they realize their wisdom impacts me or they don't that wisdom has changed me.  For this I am grateful.

These teachers blow through my life like the wind.  They move, change, and rearrange what I think are the boundaries and perimeters of me.  They blow in on the winds of change, embody this change, and then leave on the wind that brought them in.  I am left to sort out the edges and perimeters of my being.

Life has provided me with many opportunities to re-exam who I am.  It comes through major life changes, loss, death, and physical illness.  Though the events are different the response is to allow me to embrace change.

Sometimes these events hide in them the seeds of change of growth that are found within.  I went to New Orleans expecting to engage in a work related seminar (see post "The Teacher Appears When The Student Is Ready"), and encountered a life changing experience.  This was not my expectation but it became a reality that changed the direction of my life.  The teacher was life moving through the words and actions of the teacher; not the other way round.

My stroke and the time in the hospital was, again, life teaching me through the encounters with people who would shape and mold the direction of my life.  It was, as Dharmakeerti said, an ashram experience for me.  People go to an ashram to have meaningful inner experiences that are enhanced by those they encounter there.  Eight weeks in the hospital was that for me. Life is not particular about where its lessons are taught and it will work through any channel to teach.  So ashram, college campus in New Orleans, or a hospital, all are equal for life's lessons.  I only need open myself to the experience.  The experience, the wisdom, always seeks me; when I set out to capture it I am disappointed because the reality of the lesson exceeds the limits of my expectations.

My lesson for now is to ride the wind; wherever it may go.  I cast my fate to this wind:
"A month of nights, a year of days
Octobers drifting into Mays
I set my sail when the tide comes in
I just cast my fate to the wind"
  



   
   

Through The Looking Glass and Down he Rabbit Hole

 

At various times in my life I have felt that I have gone through the looking glass, down the rabbit hole, and find myself in a new and strange landscape.  Sometimes this new landscape has only been for a short time when I have a momentary epiphany, but at other times this is when major life changing events occur.  There are times when I have consciously decided to go into the looking glass, and others when life has made the decision for me.  My stroke took me into a world unknown to me; a world filled with epiphanies, realizations, and life changing events.  As with any life changing event I did not make a head/conscious decision to do this; it was made through my heart and marked a time of a huge change in my life.

      
So on the night of April 2, 2011 I stepped through the looking glass when I had a stroke, and arrived in the emergency room at the hospital.  A stroke is a brain injury; mine affected my right (dominate) side and was caused by a blood clot in my left, frontal brain.  I made it to the ER but not before the effect of the stroke impacted my ability to move my right side.  

A very frightening experience as I felt my right arm and leg become less and less responsive to my trying to move them.  Lying in the emergency room I was frightened, but I found my sense of humor was there and I began to see that even in this most scary moment I could laugh.  At some place deep in myself I understood that I would be okay; no matter what happened to my physical self I was fine.  And if I was to die I would be fine, and if I lived I would also be fine.  At some point in that journey to and through the ER I completely surrendered to life and death and let go.

I can't remember the exact moment I let go; I only know that while the ER staff worked with me, and before I was admitted to the hospital, I knew that I was okay....  I went through a battery of tests; I was prodded and poked; repeatedly ask to smile, push and pull with my right hand and foot, ask questions about my name, date of birth, the date, and where I was.  My sons had been notified of what was going on and I talked with them during my time in the ER.  Tad lives in Arizona and Jason in St Louis.  I ask them not to come until we had a clearer idea of what was happening, and how long I would be in the hospital.  I knew I was being well taken care of at that time, but when I got home I would need help.  They agreed.

I was admitted to the hospital's intermediate neurological unit in the very early morning of April 3rd.  I had gone through the looking glass, and now I was going down the rabbit hole, although I didn't know that then.  These are things I understand, now, in retrospect, but at the time I was grateful that I understood the process of being in the hospital, that I was able to think and articulate my thoughts, that my sense of humor was intact, and that the staff at the hospital gave me good care.

I experienced surrender at a very different level than I had ever before.  A concept that I understood in my mind suddenly shifted into my heart and gut and was to become a part of who I am.  Surrender before paled in comparison to that moment in the ER when I let go of my expectations and my fears and stood naked in the face of life and death.  I passed through the looking glass and realized that life's illusions would no longer serve me.  This awareness lead me to the rabbit hole where I needed to surrender and fall into it. I understood that I would do this by being present in the moment; the past was done and there is no changing that; the future has not happened so anticipating it only causes anxiety; the present is the only place I have control and this is where I remain focused.

There are those who believe that going down the rabbit hole you will only lose control and will face great upheaval in life.  I know this is true, but upheaval leads to change, and change, when approached in a positive way, will lead to personal growth.  I had no choice about entering the rabbit hole, but I did have choice about how I responded to this life change.  I could be reactive which comes from not being in the moment, or I could be proactive and be totally in each moment.  Those first days on the neuro unit I became proactive for me.  I asked questions and became interactive in my medical care and treatment.  I have since realized that I had unconsciously made the choice to become my own advocate and to be strong for me,

I was in a foreign place; I didn't speak the medical language; the sights, sounds, and smells were strange to me; the people were efficient, friendly; life was going on, and I knew I had to get on board.  Inside the rabbit hole I saw how strange things were compared to my former life, and I had to learn to communicate with things as how they were; not how they use to be. 

My body was weakened by my stroke but my clarity of thinking was quickly returning.  On the sixth day in the hospital I was moved to the rehab unit where I began to navigate my journey through this rabbit hole.  As I made the journey from the neuro floor to rehab unit I was reminded to remain positive and proactive in my situation. This was a situation that only I could change, and that would come by my being completely in the now.

Be here now was a mantra that I repeated to myself many times each day as I worked on becoming stronger, physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.  My good friend and teacher, Dharmakeerti, suggested I look at this experience and my stay in the hospital as an experience of being in an ashram; it would be a time when I faced fears and came to an understanding and realization of the illusions that were still defining me.  The only way I would do this, she told me, was to surrender to life.  For the next eight weeks this became my guiding principle; to be here now and to surrender.  

Surrender did not mean giving up or abdicating my power; it meant knowing myself and standing firmly in the center of my being.  When I lost that center I experienced fear and uncertainty, when I was at that center I knew that all was well and I felt calm and centered.  I had to stand my ground with the medical establishment I had to now deal with; I had to research medications and decide what I was willing to take and what I wouldn't take.  From pills to procedures I became my own advocate for my health and well-being.

I was fortunate to have good friends who knew me well and who could and did support my choices.  The stronger I became in my own advocacy the more willing the medical staff on the rehab floor became a part of my advocate system .  Because I expressed my needs they tried to meet what I requested. In both words and actions I found this medical staff was there to listen and help me.

I realized that I had to propel me into the flames of this rehab/ashram experience. I learned that by surrendering to my highest good and my highest self I found peace in whatever I did. This taught me that that by being  proactive and advocate for myself from my highest awareness allowed me the experience of being heard, understood, and respected.  Of course not everyone I spoke with or worked with agreed with me, but they always respected me, and this allowed for better working relationships.

    
The hospital and rehab unit became the ashram for me.  The stroke propelled me into this unique place and situation.  My realization in the ER that I was fine; if I lived or if I died I realized I would be okay.  I surrendered to the path my life was taking and in doing that I learned that I was and am always okay.  I went through the looking glass and down the rabbit hole and realized that I am fine.   Why?  Because I remembered to just let go, surrender, and realize that life lives itself; I need only become a part of its flow.

 

The Teacher Appers When The Student Is Ready

It is said that when the student is ready the teacher will appear.  I have found that in life as I become ready things appear, but I have to accept them as they appear.  So often things get wrapped in my expectations, which are often not how they appear, and I get lost in the struggle between my expectations and accepting what is. I have learned that what is, is always much more than my expectations because my expectations are limited by my mind rather than expanded by my heart.

I thought my mind was very much in charge of me as I set out for New Orleans in the summer of 1980.  I was attending a two week summer session at Tulane University sponsored by the National Association of Social Workers.  A number of half day classes were being offered for the two weeks there.  I choose two; one, a morning class,on the principals of social work; the other in the afternoon, a class on altered states of consciousness.  My mind had selected the first class, but the second class my heart had unconsciously chosen.  I was standing at the threshold of expanding my reality; my head did not know this yet, but my heart did.

My expectations were all wrapped in this, but my heart KNEW what it was doing and so I chose the afternoon class.  I remember that I had to defend this choice to the director of where I worked, but I easily circumvented her concerns; after all, although unknown to my mind, this decision was made and supported by my heart.  So I flew off to New Orleans to begin an adventure that would change my life.  I thought I was just attending a post graduate program and had no idea how life changing this was to be.

On the Monday when class began I attended the first class chosen by my mind and easily fell into the flow and banter in this, yet another typical, graduate class.  We broke for lunch and then went to afternoon classes.  This was New Orleans where nothing runs on schedule, but our professor, John, was there and waiting on the students to arrive, early or late.  Calm, patient, he exemplified the essence of the true New Orleans.

He began with stories about expanded states of consciousness.  How, when, and why these states happened, and how as we opened to these experiences we expand our awareness in life.  I was definitely a beginner to both the knowledge of and experience with these states of consciousness, but his words and energy engaged and eventually hooked me.

Somewhere deep within me I realized his stories were familiar.  As I sat listening to him I suddenly realized that these stories were much like ones told by Sara, my great grandmother.  They were simple stories spun around  life lessons; stories that stayed with me and replayed many times long after their telling. There was power in the stories; a power that gently reeled me in until I did not separate myself from the teller or the tale.  I was a part of these living stories.  They were here now, as much as they were there then. There was no expiration date on these stories, just as Sara's wisdom had no expiration date....

Each day in John's classes I was drawn deeper into this mystery.  The stories resonated within and allowed my memories of Sara to grow stronger.  She had been my first mentor, he was now a mentor as he rekindled her teachings.  I became the moth that danced toward the flame that if I allowed it to it would consume me. This draw was irresistible as I danced closer and closer to being consumed by this fire.  

In hindsight I realize what was happening, but at that time I could only follow this desire to learn more.  Each day I would begin my morning with a mundane class about social work practices, head out for lunch, and then return to altered states of consciousness.  I now understand that I was experiencing life as it is; from the mundane to the sublime with a short lunch break in between.  

At the end of each day I would go out to dinner with new friends I had just made, sample much of the New Orleans' famous cuisine, and then onto its world famous jazz and night life.  It seemed that time highlighted the mundane while in the middle of each day I had a respite with altered states of consciousnesses.  Not unlike life I found the sublime woven through my daily life; I had only to recognize and learn from it. 

Night time brought dreams of Sara.  I had not dreamed of her in 20 years since I reached adolescence, and now she became a regular visitor in my dream time.  I realized that the class on altered states of consciousness was awakening memories from my childhood and of my first teacher, Sara.  It would take me several years to understand that this was her gift and her blessing to my adult life.  

That summer following my return from New Orleans was when my grandmother uncharacteristically shared a dream she had of her mom, Sara, telling my grandmother that all was well and she would soon becoming home. (See post entitled "Dream Weaver"). In time I began to sort out the weave of my life; the ebb and flow of things and how when I accept things as they are they always are so much greater than my expectations.  

I have learned that when I make a conscious choice to find a teacher none appear.  When I remove my thinking self from the process and open to my heart all presents in perfect order.  Ego and mind are products of the little self while the heart opens us to the expansiveness of the greater self where each creates our own destiny.

The Enemy That Needs Love

"Perhaps, I myself am the enemy who needs to be loved."

~Carl Jung~

When I engage in an illusion that others are the enemy it is time to look inward and see what my outer world is reflecting of my inner self.  I often find this difficult to do, but if I stay my course of honest inner reflection I realize that, as Jung points out, I am the enemy who needs to be loved.

There are times when if I am avoiding this inner awareness my dreams begin to stalk me.  I may dream I am being followed and the landscape can range from an urban street to a jungle.  The landscape is alive with other presences that I sense hidden in the shadows and foliage.  I cautiously move through these dreamscapes as I try to understand the danger.

 

I am being followed by jaguars, cougars, tigers, bears, eagles, and hawks.  Wild animals that are waiting for me to recognize them and merge with the wisdom they hold for me.  It is so easy to see these as an enemy just as I do with what is being reflected by my outer world; when they really are aspects of me that only need to be loved and accepted.

It is amazing how the mind so quickly and effortlessly transforms these things into the enemy.  The mind and the intellect hold their power through fear, but the heart changes fear into understanding, acceptance, and love.  Maybe the only enemy I face is ME.

Buddha is to have said that what we think, we become, and it is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles.  So by conquering myself and my fears my enemy no longer has the power to hold me captive.  A gentle transformation through the loci of my power from head to heart frees me from fear, and now I can freely move through my waking and my dreaming space.

As this happens I stand at the center of myself and realize how each aspect from within is reflected in both the outer waking and the inner dreaming place.  Each thing reflects my fears and offers me a way to resolve these fears if I chose to.  I must face them both in my dream time and in my waking space. As this happens I realize that my fears are products of the illusions that the world presents to me.  When I do this this illusion created by the smoke and mirrors evaporates in the light of truth. 

I realize that my enemy is only a part of me that I have yet to integrate.  Integration of these unrecognized parts of self lets me reach peace with enemies, inner and outer.  

Fear keeps us locked away from our authenticity.  Many have been told that they are the product of original sin when, in fact, they are the result of original blessing.  If we are really created in our creators image then how are we a product of sin?  And if we don't believe in the concept of a divine being then there is no sin to be a product of so we can enter life guilt free.

But, and this is the caveat, being guilt free does not leave us free from fear.  The moment of birth is filled with trauma; when we each must leave the womb and become a living breathing being on our own.  We are born helpless and completely dependent on others for our survival, which was guaranteed while we were in the womb.  This original fear can follow us our entire lives.  This fear can cause us to be the enemy that Jung says needs to be loved.  

We are a product of original fear, not sin, and until we can know and accept this we cannot offer ourselves, the enemy, unconditional love. We must sit down with our fears, begin a dialog with them, and welcome them into our lives.  They are not the enemy; they are merely the discarded and non  assimilated parts of self; they are fear.  When welcomed into our being and accepted as a part of us they lose their frightening qualities.

The stalking animals of my dreams as with the people and situations in my outer life are symbols of my inner states of emotion that I must make peace with.  As long as I am afraid of these symbols or situations I will not be able to integrate these as a part of me.  So I fear the stalking jaguar or the bag woman on the street and I attempt to avoid merging with what these symbols represent for me.  I remain separate surrounding myself with barriers that fear creates hoping to retain the edge of my being me.  In time I come to understand it is my fears that support and sustain my self illusions.
  
Rather than an external enemy we all are really engaged in the struggle from within.  It is time to sit down with this enemy and understand that it is as Jung points out: "Perhaps, I myself am the enemy who needs to be loved." 

 

   

  

 

              

The Quest For The Beloved

When you wake up to the feeling that there is something more; when you realize that you are experiencing the unquenchable thirst; and if in this happening you find your self following paths into addiction, destructive behaviors, loss of your vitality then recognize that you are avoiding the journey, and you are distracting yourself from the quest to the Beloved.  Pay close attention to your dreams; to your random thought patterns; to your unusual waking experiences.  The Beloved is trying to contact you; pay attention, listen with your heart let go of your rational mind and let your intuition guide you into this journey.  If you will enter this quest from your instinctual perspective the Beloved will move closer to you.

As the journey presents itself to you there will be signs along the way to guide you.  A road map of sorts presents itself and you must learn to interpret the signs.  As you are called awake from your dream you will be provided with road signs along the way.  Our dreams speak in a highly symbolic language, and the dreamer must learn to speak this language of deep symbolism with the dream.

To merge with the inner Beloved you must find resolution to the unresolved issues of your early years; of your relationships with parents and parental figures.  The Beloved will present you with opportunities to do this but this requires that you be awake to the road signs, to recognize them and to learn how to interpret them.  

  

As you discover and waken to the Beloved your inner and outer language becomes refined.  The symbols become clear and pristine, and you will find that the language that your dream time has taught you will begin to be spoken in your waking time.  Your encounters with people, places, and things in the waking world will carry the same messages and significance of your dreaming language.  

 

An important awareness in the journey to the Beloved is that he/she will appear in many forms; some not as appealing as others, and at times her/his continence might be frightening.  The Beloved mirrors all aspects of your inner self and invites you to discover and sit down with each aspect, appealing or not appealing, and enter into a dialog with the various aspects of the self.  Union with the Beloved is a call to wholeness not to separation. 

  

As the journey to the Beloved unfolds you enter a place and time of true intimacy.  This happens when you arrive at a state of detaching.  The word detachment is often misunderstood to mean not needing anything.  In reality when you reach the place of being able to detach you are ready to let go of, detach from, your expectations to outcomes.  When you release your expectations for an outcome you enter into the most intimate of relationships.  You can now relate without your expectation being the goal and allow the object of the relationship to be who or what it really is.  That is true intimacy.

 

Most people define intimacy as a close sharing.  It often appears as an enmeshment, but there is this very close interdependent sharing taking place.  For such a relationship to continue both people cannot change the dynamic of this sharing.  When you move to the level of understanding that to live without attachment is to release your expectations in a relationship; to relate to each as who they truly are; the dynamics of the relationship will change.  This change may throw the relationship into a state of confusion, and can disrupt this perceived illusion of harmony and balance.

Sometimes as this happens the balance in current relationships are thrown off.  As we realize and understand non-attachment this can threaten others perceptions; not of us but of themselves; and this may upset their perception of all external relationships. The fear is if you let go of expectations, and allow each to be what he/she is how can you get your own needs met?

 

As you move closer to the inner Beloved the greater is your responsibility to yourself and to your behavior.  What you might have been able to get away with early in your journey no longer works for you.  How you learned to relate to your environment in an earlier stage of your spiritual development will not be helpful as you mature.  The metaphor of your baby shoes is a good one.  As a toddler your baby shoes were invaluable to your ability to walk; as an adult if you try and fit your feet back in those shoes the results will be disastrous and won’t work.  

An outgrowth of your journey to the Beloved is the assuming more and more of the responsibility for yourself and less and less for those around you.  When you come to the point of the sacred union with the Beloved you will have stepped into total self-reliance and self-responsibility, and complete release of responsibility for others.

  

Remember that human beings are relational in nature, and having fulfilling relationships are an important aspect of life.  But having relationships that are based on the truth of each person, and not on hidden agenda, allows each person to grow and become the most they can possible be.

The task for the seeker is to recognize there are many types of relationships and to learn to discern the difference between them.  There will be many posers/pretenders to the outer manifestation of the inner Beloved.  As you practice discernment in your relationships choices you will discover that you are moving toward impeccability in all areas of your life.