At various times in my life I have felt that I have gone through the looking glass, down the rabbit hole, and find myself in a new and strange landscape. Sometimes this new landscape has only been for a short time when I have a momentary epiphany, but at other times this is when major life changing events occur. There are times when I have consciously decided to go into the looking glass, and others when life has made the decision for me. My stroke took me into a world unknown to me; a world filled with epiphanies, realizations, and life changing events. As with any life changing event I did not make a head/conscious decision to do this; it was made through my heart and marked a time of a huge change in my life.
So on the night of April 2, 2011 I stepped through the looking glass when I had a stroke, and arrived in the emergency room at the hospital. A stroke is a brain injury; mine affected my right (dominate) side and was caused by a blood clot in my left, frontal brain. I made it to the ER but not before the effect of the stroke impacted my ability to move my right side.
A very frightening experience as I felt my right arm and leg become less and less responsive to my trying to move them. Lying in the emergency room I was frightened, but I found my sense of humor was there and I began to see that even in this most scary moment I could laugh. At some place deep in myself I understood that I would be okay; no matter what happened to my physical self I was fine. And if I was to die I would be fine, and if I lived I would also be fine. At some point in that journey to and through the ER I completely surrendered to life and death and let go.
I can't remember the exact moment I let go; I only know that while the ER staff worked with me, and before I was admitted to the hospital, I knew that I was okay.... I went through a battery of tests; I was prodded and poked; repeatedly ask to smile, push and pull with my right hand and foot, ask questions about my name, date of birth, the date, and where I was. My sons had been notified of what was going on and I talked with them during my time in the ER. Tad lives in Arizona and Jason in St Louis. I ask them not to come until we had a clearer idea of what was happening, and how long I would be in the hospital. I knew I was being well taken care of at that time, but when I got home I would need help. They agreed.
I was admitted to the hospital's intermediate neurological unit in the very early morning of April 3rd. I had gone through the looking glass, and now I was going down the rabbit hole, although I didn't know that then. These are things I understand, now, in retrospect, but at the time I was grateful that I understood the process of being in the hospital, that I was able to think and articulate my thoughts, that my sense of humor was intact, and that the staff at the hospital gave me good care.
I experienced surrender at a very different level than I had ever before. A concept that I understood in my mind suddenly shifted into my heart and gut and was to become a part of who I am. Surrender before paled in comparison to that moment in the ER when I let go of my expectations and my fears and stood naked in the face of life and death. I passed through the looking glass and realized that life's illusions would no longer serve me. This awareness lead me to the rabbit hole where I needed to surrender and fall into it. I understood that I would do this by being present in the moment; the past was done and there is no changing that; the future has not happened so anticipating it only causes anxiety; the present is the only place I have control and this is where I remain focused.
There are those who believe that going down the rabbit hole you will only lose control and will face great upheaval in life. I know this is true, but upheaval leads to change, and change, when approached in a positive way, will lead to personal growth. I had no choice about entering the rabbit hole, but I did have choice about how I responded to this life change. I could be reactive which comes from not being in the moment, or I could be proactive and be totally in each moment. Those first days on the neuro unit I became proactive for me. I asked questions and became interactive in my medical care and treatment. I have since realized that I had unconsciously made the choice to become my own advocate and to be strong for me,
I was in a foreign place; I didn't speak the medical language; the sights, sounds, and smells were strange to me; the people were efficient, friendly; life was going on, and I knew I had to get on board. Inside the rabbit hole I saw how strange things were compared to my former life, and I had to learn to communicate with things as how they were; not how they use to be.
My body was weakened by my stroke but my clarity of thinking was quickly returning. On the sixth day in the hospital I was moved to the rehab unit where I began to navigate my journey through this rabbit hole. As I made the journey from the neuro floor to rehab unit I was reminded to remain positive and proactive in my situation. This was a situation that only I could change, and that would come by my being completely in the now.
Be here now was a mantra that I repeated to myself many times each day as I worked on becoming stronger, physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. My good friend and teacher, Dharmakeerti, suggested I look at this experience and my stay in the hospital as an experience of being in an ashram; it would be a time when I faced fears and came to an understanding and realization of the illusions that were still defining me. The only way I would do this, she told me, was to surrender to life. For the next eight weeks this became my guiding principle; to be here now and to surrender.
Surrender did not mean giving up or abdicating my power; it meant knowing myself and standing firmly in the center of my being. When I lost that center I experienced fear and uncertainty, when I was at that center I knew that all was well and I felt calm and centered. I had to stand my ground with the medical establishment I had to now deal with; I had to research medications and decide what I was willing to take and what I wouldn't take. From pills to procedures I became my own advocate for my health and well-being.
I was fortunate to have good friends who knew me well and who could and did support my choices. The stronger I became in my own advocacy the more willing the medical staff on the rehab floor became a part of my advocate system . Because I expressed my needs they tried to meet what I requested. In both words and actions I found this medical staff was there to listen and help me.
I realized that I had to propel me into the flames of this rehab/ashram experience. I learned that by surrendering to my highest good and my highest self I found peace in whatever I did. This taught me that that by being proactive and advocate for myself from my highest awareness allowed me the experience of being heard, understood, and respected. Of course not everyone I spoke with or worked with agreed with me, but they always respected me, and this allowed for better working relationships.
The hospital and rehab unit became the ashram for me. The stroke propelled me into this unique place and situation. My realization in the ER that I was fine; if I lived or if I died I realized I would be okay. I surrendered to the path my life was taking and in doing that I learned that I was and am always okay. I went through the looking glass and down the rabbit hole and realized that I am fine. Why? Because I remembered to just let go, surrender, and realize that life lives itself; I need only become a part of its flow.
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