In doing this I practice mindfulness in my daily life. It becomes a ritual and a mantra for how I live. Mindfulness serves as a platform for waking up to reality: who I am, the truths of change and interdependence, and where happiness really comes from. As I walk this path I remain connected to my true self which allows me to hold what I reflect in stillness and calmness.
This is not easy and I often stumble but when I do I am reminded to be conscious of my breath and return to my center. Every feeling, thought, and action are just life living itself through me. My responses to how these things manifest through my life becomes the map that I create for me. This is the route to taking control in life.
Walking my talk can be hard, but not walking my talk creates more obstacles and difficulties for me. Others waken in me feelings and thoughts that reflect my inner blind spots and unresolved work I need to do with me. By not projecting these feelings outward and allowing them to reflect inner parts of me I am mindful to what and how my life is impacted by my unconscious self.
My stroke has afforded me many opportunities to do this. One of the biggest lessons has been with abandonment. As a nine year old child I faced my father's serious illness, and he and my mother traveled to Boston for his treatment. While my father struggled with life and death my mother was by his side, and I was left in the care of my grandmother. This was a very frightening time for all of us, and I remember feeling alone and disconnected to the very real struggle my parents were dealing with.
Although my child self had no words or concepts for what was taking place I later as an adult realized the disconnect and dissociation I experienced at that time. My parents and grandmother did the best they could in the circumstance but did not know or realize what I was feeling. The most important thing at that time was that my father survived. He returned home, but the man and the father I had known was drastically changed. The father I had known in childhood did not come back. Physically, emotionally, and psychologically he was a different man. By the time he recuperated from this ordeal I was approaching adolescence and how we related changed drastically.
So I carry with me the wounds of childhood abandonment. An abandonment that was not intentional or for selfish reasons, but was done out of necessity for survival for my dad. My stroke has brought the nine year old girl's fears of abandonment back to me. People that I believed were friends are gone, and I had to address abandonment at a new level. I could remain hurt by these peoples actions or I could address any remaining residue of my childhood issues and move on with my life.
Addressing these ancient issues I am once again reminded how as I resolve my past at one level only for it to come around again to the issues at a new level that increases my understanding. So my stroke reignited the childhood fear of abandonment.
My parents did not mean or want to abandon me as a child. The people who have walked away from contact with me as a result of my stroke also had no intention of abandoning me either. The common denominator in this situations is me, my feelings, and how I respond to others walking away from me.
I am in charge of how I respond to others. I am no longer that young girl who needed her parents to survive, and even though people leaving me as a result of my stroke is hurtful I have a conscious choice of how I respond. When I understand this then others behavior do not determine my responses. My nine-year-old's feelings are triggered, but the situation is different even though unconsciously it feels similar.
No longer being a child I have choices, words, concepts, and understandings that were not available to me when I was nine. My adult awareness allows me to know and discern the behaviors of others from myself. This allows me to make choices that are in my long-term best interest.
Recovering from a life-changing event has helped me realize the need to choose wisely for myself. I now encourage friendships with others who can be present in each moment for themselves and therefore for other people. These are the folks I want to have friendships with. I have many acquaintances but few close friends. My stroke has afforded me the opportunity to sharpen my discernment skills, and this allows me to strive for impeccability in my relationships with those I hold close.
This teaches me the importance of taking time for myself and the art of a true friendship. These friendships are gifts that I give me by being able to make the choice of life affirming relationships as a part of myself. I am worth this and I believe that all others are worth choosing themselves first. It is, after all, the only choice that allows us to then truly be present for each other.
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