When I celebrated my 25th birthday, over 40
years ago, I was a single mom, had just started my career in a new city, and
was busy establishing myself with my young child. I just read a post
by a young woman who on turning 25 plucked several gray hairs from her head and then shared that at the same age Steven Soundheim wrote the lyrics to West
Side Story. What a contrast.
Not to pick on this young woman or to romanticize Soundheim
but the truth seems to be that many young people today seem unable to cut the
apron strings and fly on their own. I am
probably not a good judge of this because in 1968 I found myself pregnant, not
wanting to marry the father, but realizing that I wanted this baby. There were no single mom programs funded by
government grants at that time; no state supported daycare; and no role models
for me as a single parent.
There was, however, criticism, judgment, and non-acceptance
for me as a single mom. Initially the
only place I felt I wasn’t judged was with my parents. They were able to embrace me and my child
whole heartedly, and support and love us no matter what. In Middle America in 1968 this was amazingly
wonderful.
From that I became a strong, independent young woman who
could face success and failure equally.
Reading this 25-year-old woman’s post I thought how fortunate I was to have
been born in a time that I was supported, encouraged, and allowed to mature
into becoming me. My parents did not
enable me; they supported me. They often
did not agree with my decisions, but they supported me to follow my heart and
to be responsible for all of my choices.
They had survived the Great Depression, World War Two, and knew that
although life was precious human beings were also durable. They passed that awareness onto me, and
hopefully I have passed it onto my sons.
I wish that parents today could have the understanding of
their own resilience and to then pass it on to their children. Giving children hope for the future and faith
and trust in their abilities to navigate the future is the greatest gift
parents can offer their offspring. To
truly believe in ourselves is what allows us to succeed.
When we grow older by grace we recognize the wisdom of
not enabling our children, but to hold them accountable to themselves and for
their actions. As we do this our
children can be supported by being responsible for all of their choices; good
ones and bad ones and their decisions become their teachers. Wisdom dictates that we as parents not rescue
them from their choices; if we do rescue them we rob them of learning their lives'
lessons and cripple them in becoming mature, fully functioning adults. To grow old without maturing is one of the
saddest legacies that can be left to our children.
As a young adult I learned self reliance, self respect,
and the ability to stand on my own.
These were invaluable lessons. I
never felt abandoned by my parents. I
always felt loved and supported, even when they did not agree with my decisions. Beyond their agreement or disagreement with
my choices I realized and recognized their love. They did not enable me they loved me despite
my choices ... and THAT HAS MADE THE DIFFERENCE...
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