Reflections

Several years ago I decided on the above logo for my office. A willow reflected in water, and movement seen in that reflection of the tree..................

It's what I did as a therapist; reflective listening.  It taught me that most people want this in life; someone who will listen without judging and who will reflect what they hear.  It can help change the course of a life.  To be heard without judgment, to experience understanding, can help another reflect on her/his life, and in that reflecting make different choices.

So I become a reflecting pond; in which the client can begin to see him/herself realistically, and through that reflection can begin to move toward change.  It sounds like a very good thing, and it is.  But, and this is the caveat, the reflective listener must be at a place in her/his life where he/she can listen without the client's story activating the reflective listener's story.  If that happens then the process of being able to listen reflectively is no longer working....

Over the years and with a lot of work on me I became a reflective listener.  I had to get out of my way, which in essence meant I had to resolve my past.  We all have past issues that unless they are resolved blocks our ability to reflectively listen to each other.

There are countless examples of those who make every conversation about them.  I think far more people fall into this category than that of a reflective listener.  We live in a "me" centered culture.  This seems to be a growing malaise, and has, in my thinking, drastic long term effects. 

I believe that more and more people are raised in a climate of tolerance for living a self-centered life, as opposed to a life of being centered in their self.  There is a vast difference between self-centered and centered in the self.  When I am centered in myself I can relax into hearing what another has to say without making it all about me.  Being self-centered I need to make it all about me.

If someones story becomes all about me I cannot help them seek solutions and make changes in their situations.  The story has become about me, and I respond by telling them what I did in a similar situation, or what I think they should do, and in doing this I take the focus off of them and place it directly on me.  I am no longer listening reflectively.

I think most people can recount stories of experiences like this; where someone hears what is said but turns it around to be all about them.  I feel that when this happens we abandon each other.  As a therapist it was my job to be present to hear the others story, and to have my own issues, at the very least, under control, and at the very best, resolved so that I did not make their stories about me. 

 
I feel it is a rare and valuable gift to find a friend who can hear me without making it all about her or him.  I have been fortunate to have a few such friends, not as therapists or professionals, but just as friends who will listen reflectively, and I feel completely heard by them.

I feel the art of reflective listening has become a lost art.  So many people are lost in their own heads, thoughts, lives, and concerns that they have no idea how to listen reflectively.  As they are listening to another their thinking is so self involved they can't break out of the restraints of being self absorbed.  This is, I believe, an awful prison to be trapped in.

I recently read a comment by a chef whose goal is to teach people to cook for their families.  He feels that if families learn to communicate with each other over food they prepare then he will contribute to society by teaching them the art of cooking.  Instead of watch TV, texting, playing with hand held computer games this chef hopes the meal time will become a time when family members get to know each other.  So many me-centered people have not had this experience; there is no family time, no opportunity to get to know each other, which makes it almost impossible to learn the skill of reflective listening.

Remaining human, listening to each other in ways that they feel heard, and being totally present in each moment will result in breaking the bars of this self involved prison.  Stepping out of the narrow constraints of self into the larger world allows us to become reflective listeners. 

In my experience doing this takes courage; the courage to come to know my self, and the courage to act in accordance with my beliefs.  As I practice this I impact others, and my actions show the courage of my beliefs.  This is how I believe we change; one person at a time.  In the words of the lazy yogi: Courage.... "Don't argue your path with other people; walk it..."

Hari Om my friends....