Leaving, Loss, and Grief

This is a subject I have thought a lot about since my stroke.  There is the obvious loss of some of my abilities and the grief I have had to work through, but what I am talking about today is the loss of so many people who I thought were my friends....

I have spent the past three plus years coming to grips with this.  While in the hospital I was flooded with visitors and well wishers.  People were there to support and encourage me in this life changing event, and for that I am grateful.  But, and this is the caveat, when I came home, when the fact of dealing with a post stroke friend in a wheelchair became a reality many people left me.  

I have intellectually realized that their abandonment is about them, not me, but in my heart I felt angry and alone.  I also knew that to continue on my road to health I needed to resolve this anger and until I did I would trap myself in a place I did not want to be.  My writing about this today, and my plan to publish this post, is a declaration of my stepping beyond this anger and grief and into a place that I feel good about and about the work I continue to do.

It also has been a wonderful, put painful, reminder that we all abandon each other in times of need; that, unfortunately, is the human condition.  So when anger begins to grow I need to stop and look at each person from their point of view, their fear, there unwillingness to address this vulnerability within themselves.  

I know that it is easier to face the vulnerabilities in those you do not really know.  To become a hospice volunteer, to send money to causes, to speak in hushed tones about the losses of those who have only marginally touched your lives, but to embrace someone you know and say you cared about in the midst of their suffering is another matter entirely.

I say this because I have been there, have been such a friend, and have walked away when the going got too tough.  I understand how and why such things happen.  The people who have fallen away from my life are no different than me.  They are good people who couldn't stand strong, can't walk beside me not carrying me but only supporting me, as I regained my strength.  Their fears are that my needs will be too great.  I also know that no ones needs are too great; it is the unmet dependency needs we each must dance with that causes our fears.  When that dance is resolved we then know in our guts that no ones needs will overwhelm us.  When we have danced that dance within ourselves we are free to be.  What an amazing, wonderful, freeing feeling this is..............FREE TO BE!!!

As I sit here composing this post many names and faces of past friendships pass through my thoughts.  There is a moment of sadness, but that is quickly replaced with joy.  These past friends have touched me, changed me, and taught me valuable lessons.  To be who and where I am today is the  gift they have left me with.  As I write this it is with humble gratitude that I accept this gift.  It is the next step in my journey and I am grateful. It transforms leaving, loss, and grief into the freedom to be me..... Thank you!!!