At The Edge

Come to the edge, life said.

We are are afraid, they said.

Come to the edge.

They came - life pushed.

And they flew. 

~Guilliame Apollinair~

Whenever I contemplate a major change in life I often become afraid.  I stand at the edge, looking out into the unknown, often feeling insignificant, fearing that first step.  Often I hesitate unwilling to take the step that will commit me to the course.  

There have been many edges in my life.  Sometimes I had to risk that first step other times life pushed me into it.  Once committed I did fly; each and every time.  The trajectory of my flight is not under my control. I have to have faith and trust in the process to allow the currents to carry me to my destination.

Standing on the edge, looking into the abyss can be frightening, but there are times when life gives us no choice.

When I had my stroke was such a time.  Life pushed, I fell into that abyss, and as the stroke progressed I found that I could fly. 

I had not know anyone who had a stroke.  Roger died of a brain aneurysm which was a stroke, but he did not survive, I did.  The world of a post stroke patient was an unknown to me. 

For the first few days at the hospital I watched what was going on around me.  After Roger's death my consciousnesses moved outside my body and I just observed.  Now in the hospital I found myself doing this again.  Staff cared for me, friends came and went, Jason was there, a routine began, and I was safely outside of it all.  I observed, interacted with people, and stayed cocooned in not really being a participant in what was going on.

I was pushed off that edge again and I was quietly watching and waiting for a time to re-enter life.  I knew I would "come back" as I did after Roger's death, but this, as then, was a time for me to access and reevaluate my life.  After Roger's death I had not been as aware of my witness as I was in the hospital. Perhaps because during the first five or six days in the hospital I had no other duties than to get well.  So I realized I was observing things at a distance from myself; I knew I would eventually return to me and I wanted to observe and learn from my witness.  This time the lessons remained with my conscious self and I have not had to re-remember them.  Reintegrating within myself was much easier this time.

My stroke pushed me into a new life.  It left me in a wheelchair and my right/dominate side impaired.  The blood clot was in my left front brain and controlling my right arm and leg is impaired.  I always said that before my stroke I led with my right side/my masculine side.  I would drop my right shoulder and plow ahead into anything I considered an obstacle.  For many years I worked on finessing this, had some success, but still led with my right. Interestingly that is no longer an option.

My left brain has transferred more control to my right brain and as I gradually work on this retraining I find a more patient, tolerant self emerging.  Through this emergence I have learned and experienced unconditional love for me and for others.  Surviving a stroke, spending weeks in a hospital and on a rehab unit, learning how to live outside my comfort zone, and patiently taking tiny steps to recovery teaches me to rethink and revision myself.  

Letting go of expectations and living completely in each moment has allowed me to soar to new heights.  Life pushed me and I flew....