As October winds down autumn will soon be ending and my backyard is filled with gold, red,and brown leaves. They make a crunchy carpet that crackles and swooshes to the presence of feet walking through it. I have been off the grid, for the most part, during this month. Attempting to reduce my footprint on life, and allowing life to impact me as needed. A time to restore me to an intrinsic balance with nature.
The first four Wednesdays of this month I taught an OLLI class at Bradley University. It was "Mapping Your Life". During these four weeks I immersed myself in leading this class, and at the same time being a student to what the class taught me. I always come away from this practice learning so much more than I started with.
And now as the month comes to close I end this sabbatical as November opens. The OLLI class allowed me to focus on the reason I decided to move off the grid. It was to be completely centered in each moment, to pay close attention to what I engage in, and let my thoughts, words, and actions to be in the now.
As this month ends an interesting realization comes to mind. A silence has permeated much of my days; not only a physical silence but a mental silence as well. Stilling myself allows my emotions a greater expression. Thoughts and physical activity distract from feelings and often cause feelings to be expressed in ways that may not be true to how or what I really feel. I find that silence of mind and stillness of body helps deep feelings to manifest.
It brings me to a place of accepting what is; of not attempting to change how I feel but to be absolutely present in the moment. Stepping off the grid afforded me this opportunity.
I find myself the witness to things that are happening in my life. As I led the class I also watched myself and this process. When people stop by or call me I see myself observing what is taking place. My mind, which is usually active, has slowed, and I sense these experiences with my total being. I no longer just hear, experience, or see things; I am totally a part of all of this, but with the awareness of the witness, which allows me to not take these things personally. There is a great freedom in this.
A friend calls, rambling on about things in life, and I find myself standing back, not reacting, but listening without judgement. Another friend stops by, her life chaotic, and I can listen and let go knowing her thoughts and actions are just a play on her life stage. Students in class ask questions and voice thoughts; all of which I listen and respond to without attaching to feelings about this discussion, this is just being here in the now.
The change I sense is letting go of my opinion; not needing others to see things as I do and accepting that our perspectives are different and that's okay. This has arrived gradually over a long time. I feel my sabbatical has only sharpened my awareness of this impacting my life.
A friend called the other day, caught up in life's events. The focus of her conversation was on herself, her concerns, and her ideas, thoughts, and plans. At first I felt this as an intrusion, but as I stepped into my witness self I realized this was only life living itself. She was not intentionally or purposefully intruding; she was unconsciously living out her life as it unfolded for her. With this understanding I became the witness and just listened to her words. My judgement was gone and I could listen, without forming an opinion, and allow her to speak her words. As we talked I slowed my breath, let go of my irritation (my ego), and came completely into the moment.
This is something I have practiced before, but at the end of my sabbatical I have a sharpened sense of this awareness. I came to this place through my conscious effort to slow down and to be totally present in each moment. Monitoring my feelings helped me realize what was taking place in myself and to then step out of the box and be completely in the moment. Being in the moment causes less stress on me; my mind, my body, and my spirit.
Taking a specific timeout for me brings mindfulness to my practice. Having specified October as the time to retreat into myself lets me look at and gain a deeper understanding of this practice. In doing this I hopefully will remain more centered and present in each moment.
So as the autumn leaves fill my back yard, and as I prepare for shorter days, I will take these lessons into the reflection of winter.
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